Aug. 4. 2005: Winnipeg Sun satire

Winnipeg Sun (Manitoba)
August 4, 2005 Thursday
SECTION: EDITORIAL/OPINION; Pg. 11

LENGTH: 537 words
HEADLINE: CANADIAN POLITICS A GREWAL WORLD
BYLINE: BY ROSS MCLENNAN

Gurmant Grewal's assistant, a large man by the name of Benjamin Farnsby, introduced me to the controversial MP and then left us alone in the hotel room. I shook hands with Grewal, and we sat down at a small table.

"Ie-k, do, iqMn ... " Grewal said in a low voice.

"Sorry?" I said.

"Did you bring a tape recorder?" he said.

"Er ... Yes, I did."

"Uh-huh. Lucky I asked, eh?"

"It's standard equipment for an interview."

"Lemme see it."

"OK," I said. "I was just about to put it on the table."

"Sure you were," he said. I gave him the tape recorder. "It's very small," he said. "Small enough to fit right into your pocket, where it can't be seen."

"Well, the big, 125-pound, war-surplus two-reeler I usually lug around with me is in the shop right now," I said, "along with the Enigma machine I use to keep the competition from stealing the stories I file."

"Now you're being a wise guy," he said.

"I take them to interviews in a suitcase and tell everybody I'm going for an accordion lesson after we're finished. That way the suckers don't know I'm secretly recording them."

"Funny you should mention Enigma." Grewal said. "I told Stephen we should use those machines for secret party communications. If they worked for the Germans, they should work for us."

"They didn't work for the Germans," I said. "The British broke the code."

"Yes, but I doubt they handed it over to the Liberals."

"Does Stephen Harper still talk to you?" I said. Grewal smiled and fingered his tie clip.

"Let's just say that things have been said which allowed me to persuade Stephen how indispensable I am to the party," he said.

"Why are you wearing that tie clip?" I asked. Grewal laced his fingers together over the tie clip and sat back in his chair, pretending to relax.

"Tie clip?" he said.

"Yeah, the one you just hid under your hands."

He smiled and shrugged. "Why does anyone wear a tie clip?" he said.

"To hold down his tie."

"Well, then."

"You're not wearing a tie."

He didn't move. "Yes, I am," he said.

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not. Are you wired?"

"Of course not," he said. "Dammit, Farnsby," he muttered, "you forgot the tie."

"Farnsby? You're talking to Farnsby? He's not even in the room."

"Oh ... right ... "

"Put that tie clip on the table," I said. Grewal took the tie clip off his shirt and put it on the table. I took off one of my shoes and smashed it down on the tie clip. There was a bellow of pain from outside the room, and Farnsby came crashing through the door, a set of earphones dangling around his neck.

"That's it, Grewal," he shouted. "No more tapes. No more recordings. I don't care what you have on that Harper tape about how much he hates making small talk with 'those bloody barbecue bozos,' I'm through, finished -- ".

Grewal held up his hand and smiled at Farnsby. "Ben, Ben," he said. "Have you forgotten about your ill-advised tete-a-tete with Carolyn Parrish?" Farnsby raised a shaking fist, opened and closed his mouth soundlessly and then turned abruptly and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Now, Mr. Swakhammer," said Grewal, "shall we continue with the interview?" He leaned forward, fiddling with the top button on his shirt. "Only, I wonder if you could speak a little louder. My hearing isn't as good as it used to be."

NOTES: Winnipeg Sun ace investigative reporter Emile Swakhammer has filed this exclusive interview with B.C. Conservative MP Gurmant (Tape Worm) Grewal ...

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